As a child, our biggest complication was trying to figure out what to wear to the movies. Yeah, we usually had to deal with the usual “drama” of getting good grades while having a social life, and having to listen to our parents talking about how you had to finish your assignment before you could go out with your friends. But it never was as serious as it is today.
It’s not until then that you realize that, your childhood? That’s a memory and there’s no way of retrieving that ever again. Playing with your best friend outside, driving around on a golf kart on a rainy day, singing songs that would make our day and even getting busted for doing stupid stuff that only children would find completely hilarious to do. Those are gone forever, and the only way to deal with the situation is by moving on.
When will we feel as comfortable as we did as mere children? Will we ever again feel as comfortable as we did before growing up? It’s just so many questions that make you fade into oblivion. I wish that we could somehow relive the memories that make us cherish the amazing people that passed through our life. But now that time is catching up to us, I look back and see everything and everyone that has somehow connected the dots of the puzzling idea that we call our life. I see them from a very distant time, wondering, “What if?” What if somehow things would’ve been different than what they are right now? How could that have affected my life? Then again, I look into the mirror and say: There’s no point in questioning the past.
The rest of my life is pretty much planned out. I know what I want, but I can’t help but feeling so distant from my old self. It’s my future, but am I ready to embrace it? I’m still holding on to the memories that I don’t want to let go. Maybe I’m just scared to grow and go out into the real world. That is the worst feeling that any human being could ever touch. It’s not falling in love and having your heart broken, or failing a class. The thought of growing up is horrifying to every single human out there. The thought of becoming a completely different person in order to succeed in life is absurd.
I don’t want to pretend that I’m ok, because I’m actually not. I could do better. I miss my friends back home and I miss my family too. I miss my house and those wonderful moments with the people I love that made me who I am today. I don’t want to think about the fact that, as I grow, somehow I will start detaching from those people and start attaching to others.
But I guess it’s meant to be that way. Life is a non-stop rollercoaster with its ups and downs. Memories shape us into who we are, and by moving on we mature and become the very thing we fear the most. It’s not about a movie or video games with your childhood best friend anymore. Or how your mom always called you to come back home for dinner. It’s not about a scraped knee; it’s about your bruised lips, bitten by the person that swears not to hurt you. It’s the fact that we are doing the things we said we’d never do, but it feels so good. It’s about your unrequited loves or unexplainable highs. It’s about how we swallow the night and fill fuller than mom’s dish. It’s about growing up and making decisions and get anxiety attacks every time you go back to your room. It’s about the lips of someone; they taste like every dark sour taste we’ve ever had. It’s about mistaking a rose for a bouquet. About being lost and feeling so little. Feeling nothing but everything at all. It’s about your quivering lips and your aching breathes thinking about your future. It’s about losing friends you thought you had forever. It’s about how we keep blaming ourselves for other people’s shitty doings to you. They fucked up. Not you. It’s about growing out habits and getting addicted to bad ones. It’s about acting like your family will always be by your side but you only hear from them on Christmas. It’s about a loss of love and how rejection is a hard pill to swallow. The types of devastation that make you want to burry your head in a pillow and not come back for air. It’s about accepting that you will live your life with a great deal of things that you won’t know, places you won’t go and things you’ll never get to see. Its about knowing that life is so goddamn beautiful, but understanding that it hurts.
Everything happens for a reason? If everything were to happen for a reason, life would be easier than what we have to bear. But I guess that’s just part of growing up and embracing the future that we shape our lives to be. Don’t try to understand life because it will end up consuming you like it consumed me, where everything feels so permanent, but you can simply disappear in an instant, without leaving a trace.